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Should You Lie to Your Kids about Santa?
December 16, 2008 4:54 PM
By JOANNA SCHAFFHAUSEN, ABC News Medical UnitIt’s that time of year when stressed-out parents are pulling out all the stops to keep their overexcited children in line. Be good, they say, or Santa won’t come to our house.
Good behavior would include being truthful, wouldn’t it? Parents surely don’t want their kids to lie.
And yet these same parents are telling a giant whopper of their own: A jolly fat man, with the help of some flying reindeer, flies around the whole world in a single night, dispensing toys. Does this make parents hypocrites? What kind of example are they setting?
Many parents don’t stop with a simple story. Mine left a handwritten note from Santa on Christmas morning, and one member of the ABC News Medical Unit says his brother would create fake reindeer noises on the roof while another relative impersonated old Santa himself.
We don’t seem to have suffered any psychological scars, but still, some people argue that the Santa myth does kids more harm than good. Lying to children creates mistrust, the anti-Santa contingent maintains. Read the discussion here for the Case Against Santa.
The occasional anecdote suggests that the lies do hurt some kids, at least temporarily. Over on the Rational Moms blog, one mother shared her daughter’s unfortunate reaction to learning the truth about Santa:
“We did the Santa thing with our daughter, mostly because we have fond memories of it from our respective childhoods, and all her friends were into it, so we thought it couldn’t hurt. When she figured out the truth, inadvertently revealed by one of my older sister's kids, the poor kid felt absolutely betrayed. 'Why would you lie?' she wailed, over and over again. Honestly, I never expected that response. But that’s what we got, for the better part of a week: 'Why would you lie? Why would a grown-up lie to a kid? It’s just mean, Mom! Mean!' She was 7 years old at the time. I was devastated.”
But most kids handle the truth just fine, experts say. “Various studies conducted on this issue show no long-term negative psychological impact on children when they discover that the Santa Claus story is a myth,” said Robin Kerner, an assistant clinical professor at Columbia University. “In one study not only were children not angry about the lie, knowing the truth made them feel 'older and more mature' since they now possessed information that the younger children did not.”
Kids today may need the Santa fantasy more than ever, according to some experts. “In today's world, filled with economic meltdowns and terrorist showdowns, kids need something magical -- like Santa -- to believe in,” said Dr. Carole Lieberman, a Beverly Hills psychiatrist on staff in UCLA's department of psychiatry. “However, it is best if it is the parents themselves who ultimately tell their children the truth. The timing of this will depend upon when it is most likely that other children -- siblings or schoolmates -- will burst their bubble and tell them that Santa doesn't exist. This will likely be when they are about 4 to 7 years old.”
As for how to break the news? Experts suggest that parents explain that Santa isn’t physically real, but that his story represents the true spirit of the Christmas season. “As children grow older (after 5 or 6), parents might consider gradually introducing the notion that Santa Claus may arrive as (or be helped by) many others, including moms or dads, relatives, friends and even complete strangers who are participating in the Christmas spirit of love and generosity,” Dr. Harold Koenig, a professor of psychiatry at Duke University Medical Center, said in an e-mail interview.
“Parents might even suggest that the children save up their allowances and consider helping out or being Santa Claus themselves by sending small gifts to older people in nursing homes, homeless shelters and others around them who are less fortunate than they are. That would be a beautiful way to transition between the mystical and wonderful Santa Claus of childhood to the real kind of Santa Claus that we all need to be like.”
What do you think? Is Santa a harmless fable or a show of parental hypocrisy? How did you feel when you found out the truth?
December 16, 2008 | Permalink | User Comments (11)
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Lying to kids about santa helps them get used to believing the ridiculous. Thus, kids don't have too much trouble believing the big lie about god. In fact, they believe that this other guy is similar to santa in that he is everywhere, all the time and ends up judging everyone.
Posted by: Susan | Dec 16, 2008 5:15:03 PM
How is lying about a fat guy in red with magic reindeer, a taste for baked goods and the ability to fly around the world in one night any more different then telling them a woman gave a virgin birth to a child who was actually the son of a magic white man who lives in the clouds and created everything in a week?
Posted by: freedomfighter1975 | Dec 16, 2008 5:17:53 PM
Funny, but it's the parents who think that lying to children about Santa is bad and harmful are always the ones who have badly-behaved, bratty children.
I can only pity those folks--they seem to have empty and meaningless lives, disrespectful and non-caring children, and are lesser people for not believing in something bigger than themselves.
I still believe in Santa and I'm a better person for it.
Posted by: Kathleen | Dec 16, 2008 5:29:12 PM
We all have done a real good job allowing kids to think money grows on trees, so good in fact that most politicians now believe it. So I am on board with allowing them to think there is a Santa as well as a tooth fairy and Easter Bunny.
But seriously, Christmas was and is such a wonderous event for our family. A time to reflect on our year past, to give thanks for all our blessings of family and friends. Believing in a Santa did not take away the meaning of the day for us and as we grew older we found that our gift giving had always included giving to others less fortunate.
I pity those who have never experienced the season in a lighthearted yet meaningful way.
Posted by: david | Dec 16, 2008 6:04:55 PM
I remember when I discovered the truth about Santa and was somewhat disappointed. Now as a father of 4 young kids, we have several little Santa-believers. We talk about the spirituality of giving, and how the spirit of giving can manifest itself in a lot of ways, from Santa, to strangers giving gifts anonymously. I think that the folks like Susan and the freedomfighter1975 are bitter, and ironically as atheists, are as hellbound to impress their ideology on the masses as the fundamentalist religions. Santa doesn't have to be corporeal, he just needs a place in our hearts to live and be real.
Posted by: John | Dec 16, 2008 7:20:41 PM
My kids know Barbie isn't real. They know Luke Skywalker isn't real. They know that Shrek isn't real. These are all fun stories that make life more interesting. I don't know why Santa can't be conveyed to children (like mine) as a fun, jolly character similar to other fictional characters who also have action figures, dolls, bedding, posters and other memorabilia in their likeness. When told as a truth, the character of Santa can still be fun; we can still talk about him; we see pictures of him; we collect little seasonal statues of him; but we don't have perpetuate the lie that he is real just for him to be fun. I tell my children the truth about Santa as soon as they can understand it.
Posted by: KCN | Dec 17, 2008 12:28:19 AM
Lying to kids about Santa as we know is simply not telling the truth, and consciously at that. There are a hundred and one ways each of us will try to justify its nobility and say its the right thing to do. And as long as one is convinced it is there is nothing wrong with it, but I question what really goes into a kids mind and heart when they find out the truth of that long deception. Why not encourage the beauty and sheer wonder of imagination and the gift of giving and receiving, but without trowing away the dignity of honesty and our own integrity.
Have it your way Santa folks but know your child and small friend will and do learn from your own actions, very diligently at that too, just be careful it does not come around and bite you along your wondrous Life path. (or worst learn too much about how to justify lies for the greater good)
Merry Christmas! :]
Posted by: John | Dec 17, 2008 4:27:48 AM
Who hear believes in the lie you can own land?! Raise your hand?! :P
Posted by: TJS | Dec 18, 2008 8:43:12 PM
santa is real
i belie in him and im 54
this isnt fair every year on christmas eve i go to bed and when i wake up there are presents there soo try telling me santa isnt real!!!!!!!!!!
he is real@!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: oldey | Dec 20, 2008 9:07:16 PM
santa is real! i know he is!
but he doesn't come to a house unless everyone living there TRUELY believes in him
Posted by: Val | Dec 22, 2008 2:34:51 AM
So, you wanted me to tell my children that Santa knows if they've been bad or good and only good kids get toys. When it comes to the family next door who is having a hard time and can't afford buy toys, do my kids get to assume that the kids must be bad because santa didn't bring them junk? To Kathleen (among others) my kids were never lied to about santa and they turned out just fine thank you. Now, the first one to graduate college will be a bi-lingual teacher in an inner city school. They also weren't lied to about the big invisible daddy in the sky. My kids were taught to be good not out of fear of hell or hopes for a reward but because it was the right thing to do. Be good for the good of the community as a whole was what we instilled in them.
Posted by: Linda | Dec 24, 2008 6:05:22 PM
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