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SNL on the VP Debate

October 05, 2008 10:30 AM

Courtesy of Politico's Mike Allen...

QUEEN LATIFAH AS GWEN IFILL: "Good evening, I'm Gwen Ifill and welcome to Washington University in St. Louis Missouri to the first and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate between the Republican nominee, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, and the Democratic nominee, Joe Biden of Delaware. Let's welcome the candidates."

TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN: "Can I call you, 'Joe?'"

JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. JOE BIDEN: "Of course."

FEY AS PALIN: "OK, 'cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you Joe."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Now tonight's discussion will cover a wide range of topics including domestic and foreign policy matters. Each candidate will have 90 seconds to respond to a direct question and then an additional two minutes for rebuttal and follow-up. As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond 'do you agree?' or 'your response?' so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book (holding up book) 'The Breakthrough: Politics of Race in the Age of Obama,' coming out on inauguration day and available for pre-order on Amazon.com. And finally, we would like to remind our audience that due to the historically low expectations for Governor Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight, and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building or vomit you should consider the debate a tie. Alright, let's begin. Senator Biden, how, as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "Well, I would do what I have done my whole career, whether it's been dealing with violence against women or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets. I would reach across the aisle. Like I've done with so many members of the other party. Members like John McCain. Because look, I love John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But at the same time, he's also dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let's be frank, John McCain -- and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for -- is bad at his job and mentally unstable. As my mother would say, 'God love him, but he's a raging maniac...' and a dear, dear friend."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Governor Palin. How will your administration deal with the current financial crisis?"

FEY AS PALIN: "Well first of all, let me say how nice it is to meet Joe Biden. And may I say, up close your hair plugs don't look nearly as bad as everyone says. You know, John McCain and I, we're a couple of mavericks. And gosh darnit, we're gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we're gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that's plaguin' this great country of ours."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "How will you solve the financial crisis by being a maverick?"

FEY AS PALIN: "You know we're gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we're gonna ask ourselves, 'what would a maverick do in this situation?' And then, you know, we'll do that." (SHE winks.)

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Senator Biden, how would your administration address the current financial crisis?"

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "Barack Obama and I understand that we need to regulate

Wall Street. John McCain voted against Wall Street regulation 41 times. Let me repeat that. 41 times! And again, this is a man I love. If I had to spend the rest of my life on a desert island with only one other person it would be John McCain -- no doubt about it. I mean, you should see the way my face lights up when he walks into a room. But the fact is, John McCain has voted with George Bush ninety percent of the time, let me say that again: time."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Governor Palin, would you like to respond to Senator Biden's comments about Senator McCain?"

FEY AS PALIN: "No thank you, but I would like to talk about bein' an outsider. You see while Senator Biden has been in Washington all these years I've been with regular people. Hockey moms and Joe Six-packs I'd also like to give a shout out to the third graders of Gladys Woods Elementary who were so helpful to me in my debate prep. Also too, you see, I think a bit differently from an insider. I don't think it's patriotic to pay more taxes. I don't think it's patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin' on. I do think it's patriotic to tell the government, 'Hey get outta my way! Stop tryin' to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter.' But a Washington insider like Joe Biden probably disagrees."

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "You know I get a little tired of being told I'm an insider. I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania and that's as hardscrabble a place as you're gonna find. I'll show you around some time and you'll see. It's a hellhole. An absolute jerkwater of a town. You couldn't stand to spend a weekend there. It is just an awful, awful sad place filled with sad desperate people with no ambition. Nobody, and I mean nobody, but me has ever come out of that place. It's a genetic cesspool. So don't be telling me that I'm part of the Washington elite because I come from the absolute worst place on Earth: Scranton, Pennsylvania. And Wilmington, Delaware is not much better."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Senator Palin. Address your position on global warming and whether you think it's man-made or not."

FEY AS PALIN: "Gwen, we don't know if this climate change hoozie-what's-it is man-made or if it's just a natural part of the 'End of Days.' But I'm not gonna talk about that I would like to talk about taxes, because with Barack Obama, you're gonna be paying higher taxes. But not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get maverick-y in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that. And also, too, the great Ronald Reagan."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "The next question is for you, Senator Biden. Do you support, as they do in Alaska, granting same-sex benefits to couples?"

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "I do. In an Obama-Biden administration same-sex couples would be guaranteed the same property rights, rights to insurance, and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples. There will be no distinction. I repeat, no distinction."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "So to clarify, do you support gay marriage, Senator Biden?"

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "Absolutely not. But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital and in a lot of ways, that's just as good, if not better."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Governor Palin. Would you extend same-sex rights to the entire country?"

FEY AS PALIN: "You know I would be afraid of where that would lead. I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers. But don't think I don't tolerate gay people. Because I do. I tolerate them with all my heart. And I know quite a few too. Not personally. But I know of them. I've seen 'Ellen.' Oh, and there was this one girl on my college basketball team. She wasn't officially 'a gay,' but, you know, we were pretty sure."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Governor Palin, what is your position on Healthcare regulation?"

FEY AS PALIN: "I'm gonna ignore that question and instead talk about Israel. I love Israel so much. Bless its heart. There's a special place for Israel in heaven. And I know some people are going to say I'm only saying that to pander to Florida voters, but from a very young age, my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "I would now like to give each of you a chance to make a closing statement."

FEY AS PALIN: : (holding flute): Oh, are we not doing the talent portion?

(FEY AS PALIN plays flute, winks)

(LATIFAH AS IFILL stares)

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Senator Biden, your closing statement?"

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "My goal tonight was a simple one. To come up here and at no point seem like a condescending, egomaniacal bully, and I'm gonna be honest, I think I nailed it. Sure there were moments when I wanted to say, 'Hey, this lady is a dummy!' But I didn't. Because Joe Biden is better than that. I repeat Joe Biden is better than that (pointing at FEY/PALIN). So to all of the pundits who said I would seem cocky or arrogant. You dopes got schooled Biden-style."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Governor Palin?"

FEY AS PALIN: "I liked being here tonight answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream gotcha media with their 'follow-up questions,' 'fact-checking' or 'incessant need to figure out what your words mean and why ya put them in that order.' I'm happy to be speaking directly to the American people to let them know if you want an outsider who doesn't like politics as usual or pronouncin' the "g" and the end of words she's sayin' I think you know who to vote for. Oh, and for those Joe Six-packs out there playing a drinking game at home -- Maverick."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Well, this concludes tonight's debate. The book drops November 4, and Live From New York...It's Saturday Night!

-- jpt

October 5, 2008 | Permalink | Share | User Comments (137)

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IF only they could give out Emmys! WAY TO GO SNL!!!

Posted by: Darla | Oct 6, 2008 11:34:18 PM

Do you know the origin of the name McCain? Mc or Mac is Gaelic for son. My name MacNab = son of Nab. McCain = son of Cain. Yikes what did Cain do to his brother? This might explain the motives behind a war zealot.

Posted by: Bruce MacNab | Oct 6, 2008 11:06:45 AM

All I know is Joe Biden loves McCain, Bill and Hillary seem to love McCain and of course Gov. Palin does. We've heard from all of them McCain is ready with the experince and judgement and B. Hussein is not. Biden wanted to be his running mate for God's sakes. And we know who Bill and Hill will be voting for in the privacy of their own booth.
NEVER OBAMA.
SNL best bit was Obama as scared Prez. calling Hillary at 3AM, smoking, and unable to handle the job.....SO TRUE TO LIFE!

Posted by: DLM | Oct 6, 2008 3:38:54 AM

An absolutely hilarious skit. Tina Fey is just brilliant in her portrayal of Palin. I just wish Palin was as clear, concise and logical as Fey's portrayal of her!

I can't believe the McCain posters here - defending a clearly unqualified candidate, attacking the messenger, and promoting ridiculous lies about Democrats in general and Obama specifically. How do you people face yourselves in the mirror each morning?

Among those lies, Democrats responsible for the economic crisis? Why don't you go ask Phil Graham about deregulation and then Wall Street about developing derivative investment vehicles using 40x leverage?

Posted by: Chris | Oct 6, 2008 3:28:40 AM

What no one wants to talk about is how our forefathers had to fight against the British, they were labled terrorist then. So when we talk about being patriotic, are we really admiring terrorism?? How can we talk about things like the Boston tea party and not mention terrorism. The tyrants that win wars dictate how history is told until their futile regiems topple.

Posted by: Chad, Indiana | Oct 6, 2008 2:03:41 AM

Did Tina do my favorite quote? “Nuclear weaponry, of course, would be the be-all, end-all of just too many people in too many parts of our planet.” Direct quote. Not a joke. And there are people who will vote for this woman.

As far as Ayers goes - you might want to look at the Alaska Independece Party website - the party Tood Palin belonged to for at least a decade - which advocates for secccesation from the union. Is that still considered treason? I think that the Palins have more than a passing relationship, but I'm not sure. And I beieve home schooling is just fine - but if you take a look at the illiterates who wrote that website - you'll have second thoughts. It's where people went when they left Ruby Ridge.

And Amolete? Obama was 9 years old in 1969. And he did not work in close association with Bill Ayers in the 90s. He was one the same board. Ever erved on a board? You don't spend a lot of time with fellow members. Ayers incidently - recieved $50 million dollars from one of the most conservative foundations in America. Do you think the Annenbergs are communist, or just stupid?

Posted by: mara | Oct 5, 2008 11:12:10 PM

Well, at least they alluded to the fact that Gwen Ifill is completely in the tank for Obama/Biden. Sarah Palin looked into the eyes of her fellow American citizens most of the debate, whereas Biden spent most of his time (especially while listening to Palin) focused on Comrade Ifill.

Posted by: Thank God for Karma | Oct 5, 2008 10:45:09 PM

That's Oct 7, 2008

Posted by: McCain/Palin = Corporations First | Oct 5, 2008 9:58:57 PM

I am an undecided voter. I do have a question which concerns me.

Can someone tell me why Obama has not agreed to do townhall meetings with McCain. Every presidential election has had then from Gore/Bush, to Kerry/Bush.
Why not this time?

Posted by: Leo | Oct 5, 2008 11:09:02 AM

---------------------------------------

Tuesday Oct 5, 2008 debate is a town hall.

Posted by: McCain/Palin = Corporations First | Oct 5, 2008 9:58:03 PM

Trash-talking Palin says
Obama pals around with
terrorists which of
course is not true.

What is true is that
McCain palled around with
the North Vietnamese for
five years and gave them
classified military
information which helped
them shoot down more planes
with greater accuracy.

Posted by: anon | Oct 5, 2008 9:38:47 PM

Tina Fey will win an Emmy just on her Palin impression alone.

Posted by: Tetsujin-28 | Oct 5, 2008 9:35:28 PM

Tina Fey has Palin down to a tee....actually maybe she can take her place since she's 100 times smarter...

Posted by: Sandy | Oct 5, 2008 9:31:23 PM

Beatrice, how can you be a libertarian and vote for McCain? He stands for almost everything the libertarians oppose. His campaign is words, words, words but his record shows that he really isn't for small government and non-interventionism and constitutional rights.

We entered the years of the Bush administration with a surplus and now we're over $3 trillion in debt, our bridges are falling, we're losing a useless war but are too proud admit to it, we're bailing out Wall Street because there's simply nothing else we can do, jobs are being lost, people are getting kicked out of their homes... do we honestly need more politics from the same party that caused this? Do we need a man whose record mirrors that of the president who got us into this mess? Even if you're a Republican, you should see that the past 8 years haven't worked and we need a new approach. Stop pitying yourselves and basking in your own ignorance with your "McCain is a maverick" and "Obama is a muslim" mantras. Take a lot at your words and actions from the outside and maybe you'll realize why the rest of the western developed world looks down upon us.

Posted by: Barb | Oct 5, 2008 8:37:41 PM

Peacemonky,
Since when is truth the basis for an SNL skit? A Brother's Keeper thing would still be funny as you-know-what.

But I would settle for almost anything (chiding the media for coddling Obama doesn't count), but you know what? They won't do anything, because the crybaby Obama campaign will invoke the race card.

Posted by: Darlene | Oct 5, 2008 8:35:26 PM

As I read some of the post listed I can't help but to reflect back to the one by Der Glestscher back on October 5th 2:12:18 PM.
It's always amazing how those who have experienced so little democracy and now live here can see things through a slightly different prism.
Maybe we all should try to look at things through the eyes of Der.

Posted by: Anthony L. Milton | Oct 5, 2008 7:14:41 PM

If Governor of Alsaka is black, no SNL.
If Obamas is white, he has no chances with his terrorist connections.

A few my posts were deleted. My free speech is banned.

Thank you & respect.


I'm Libertarian for McCain/Palin/08

Posted by: Beatrice | Oct 5, 2008 5:14:06 PM

Word on the street is that Ayers has been a community leader and an advocate for education.

It is unfortunate that Americans had to resort to violence to get our government’s attention in the 60’s, but if you remember … that’s how it was. There was a stupid war that needed to end.

Samuel Adams was a terrorist.

Posted by: Bud | Oct 5, 2008 4:42:04 PM

I am an Independent voter closely watching the election and all the harmony behind the election.I am neither a black or white or latino but I strongly feel that Mr.McCain selected a woman but not the right person with all intellectual qualities when there is amble evidence to show there are lots of Republican intelligent woman.This selection not only bring America laughing matter but also for the whole world.When Liberia wants a President we supported strongly for a strong woman who undergone lots of education in USA and experience and fairly acceptable person to all people of Liberia.There is a GoldaMeyer, Indira Gandhi, Mierkle, Bandaranayak never raised their position as a laughing matter when they were selected.Now Sara is using her foul mouth talking really like a Joe without a shirt picking up 6pack from the gas station and drive more than the speed limit and come back to pick another 6 pack with a speeding ticket.
However one positive thing out of Sara is she is bringing comedy to the sad American family with lots of Economic difficulty.Thanks Sara.

Posted by: Jay | Oct 5, 2008 4:21:35 PM

Let the truth be heard. It is important that voters know the facts. Thanks Gov. Palin.

Who is Obama? Who is McCain?
Obama should answer the questions on his terrorist friend, Bill Ayers. Obama and the terrorist sat together in 1995 not when he was 8 years old.

Who caused financial crisis? At least the most lib like Alec Baldin admitted that the Democrat Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac, Barney Frank destroyed America.

Posted by: Beatrice | Oct 5, 2008 4:18:25 PM

So sorry bud, that was not your quote before! it came from
Barb, Ohio | Oct 5, 2008 3:05:58 PM

Please forgive me!

Posted by: Peacemonky | Oct 5, 2008 4:09:04 PM

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