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SNL on the VP Debate

October 05, 2008 10:30 AM

Courtesy of Politico's Mike Allen...

QUEEN LATIFAH AS GWEN IFILL: "Good evening, I'm Gwen Ifill and welcome to Washington University in St. Louis Missouri to the first and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate between the Republican nominee, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, and the Democratic nominee, Joe Biden of Delaware. Let's welcome the candidates."

TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN: "Can I call you, 'Joe?'"

JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. JOE BIDEN: "Of course."

FEY AS PALIN: "OK, 'cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you Joe."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Now tonight's discussion will cover a wide range of topics including domestic and foreign policy matters. Each candidate will have 90 seconds to respond to a direct question and then an additional two minutes for rebuttal and follow-up. As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond 'do you agree?' or 'your response?' so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book (holding up book) 'The Breakthrough: Politics of Race in the Age of Obama,' coming out on inauguration day and available for pre-order on Amazon.com. And finally, we would like to remind our audience that due to the historically low expectations for Governor Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight, and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building or vomit you should consider the debate a tie. Alright, let's begin. Senator Biden, how, as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "Well, I would do what I have done my whole career, whether it's been dealing with violence against women or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets. I would reach across the aisle. Like I've done with so many members of the other party. Members like John McCain. Because look, I love John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But at the same time, he's also dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let's be frank, John McCain -- and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for -- is bad at his job and mentally unstable. As my mother would say, 'God love him, but he's a raging maniac...' and a dear, dear friend."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Governor Palin. How will your administration deal with the current financial crisis?"

FEY AS PALIN: "Well first of all, let me say how nice it is to meet Joe Biden. And may I say, up close your hair plugs don't look nearly as bad as everyone says. You know, John McCain and I, we're a couple of mavericks. And gosh darnit, we're gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we're gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that's plaguin' this great country of ours."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "How will you solve the financial crisis by being a maverick?"

FEY AS PALIN: "You know we're gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we're gonna ask ourselves, 'what would a maverick do in this situation?' And then, you know, we'll do that." (SHE winks.)

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Senator Biden, how would your administration address the current financial crisis?"

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "Barack Obama and I understand that we need to regulate

Wall Street. John McCain voted against Wall Street regulation 41 times. Let me repeat that. 41 times! And again, this is a man I love. If I had to spend the rest of my life on a desert island with only one other person it would be John McCain -- no doubt about it. I mean, you should see the way my face lights up when he walks into a room. But the fact is, John McCain has voted with George Bush ninety percent of the time, let me say that again: time."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Governor Palin, would you like to respond to Senator Biden's comments about Senator McCain?"

FEY AS PALIN: "No thank you, but I would like to talk about bein' an outsider. You see while Senator Biden has been in Washington all these years I've been with regular people. Hockey moms and Joe Six-packs I'd also like to give a shout out to the third graders of Gladys Woods Elementary who were so helpful to me in my debate prep. Also too, you see, I think a bit differently from an insider. I don't think it's patriotic to pay more taxes. I don't think it's patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin' on. I do think it's patriotic to tell the government, 'Hey get outta my way! Stop tryin' to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter.' But a Washington insider like Joe Biden probably disagrees."

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "You know I get a little tired of being told I'm an insider. I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania and that's as hardscrabble a place as you're gonna find. I'll show you around some time and you'll see. It's a hellhole. An absolute jerkwater of a town. You couldn't stand to spend a weekend there. It is just an awful, awful sad place filled with sad desperate people with no ambition. Nobody, and I mean nobody, but me has ever come out of that place. It's a genetic cesspool. So don't be telling me that I'm part of the Washington elite because I come from the absolute worst place on Earth: Scranton, Pennsylvania. And Wilmington, Delaware is not much better."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Senator Palin. Address your position on global warming and whether you think it's man-made or not."

FEY AS PALIN: "Gwen, we don't know if this climate change hoozie-what's-it is man-made or if it's just a natural part of the 'End of Days.' But I'm not gonna talk about that I would like to talk about taxes, because with Barack Obama, you're gonna be paying higher taxes. But not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get maverick-y in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that. And also, too, the great Ronald Reagan."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "The next question is for you, Senator Biden. Do you support, as they do in Alaska, granting same-sex benefits to couples?"

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "I do. In an Obama-Biden administration same-sex couples would be guaranteed the same property rights, rights to insurance, and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples. There will be no distinction. I repeat, no distinction."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "So to clarify, do you support gay marriage, Senator Biden?"

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "Absolutely not. But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital and in a lot of ways, that's just as good, if not better."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Governor Palin. Would you extend same-sex rights to the entire country?"

FEY AS PALIN: "You know I would be afraid of where that would lead. I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers. But don't think I don't tolerate gay people. Because I do. I tolerate them with all my heart. And I know quite a few too. Not personally. But I know of them. I've seen 'Ellen.' Oh, and there was this one girl on my college basketball team. She wasn't officially 'a gay,' but, you know, we were pretty sure."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Governor Palin, what is your position on Healthcare regulation?"

FEY AS PALIN: "I'm gonna ignore that question and instead talk about Israel. I love Israel so much. Bless its heart. There's a special place for Israel in heaven. And I know some people are going to say I'm only saying that to pander to Florida voters, but from a very young age, my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "I would now like to give each of you a chance to make a closing statement."

FEY AS PALIN: : (holding flute): Oh, are we not doing the talent portion?

(FEY AS PALIN plays flute, winks)

(LATIFAH AS IFILL stares)

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Senator Biden, your closing statement?"

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "My goal tonight was a simple one. To come up here and at no point seem like a condescending, egomaniacal bully, and I'm gonna be honest, I think I nailed it. Sure there were moments when I wanted to say, 'Hey, this lady is a dummy!' But I didn't. Because Joe Biden is better than that. I repeat Joe Biden is better than that (pointing at FEY/PALIN). So to all of the pundits who said I would seem cocky or arrogant. You dopes got schooled Biden-style."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Governor Palin?"

FEY AS PALIN: "I liked being here tonight answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream gotcha media with their 'follow-up questions,' 'fact-checking' or 'incessant need to figure out what your words mean and why ya put them in that order.' I'm happy to be speaking directly to the American people to let them know if you want an outsider who doesn't like politics as usual or pronouncin' the "g" and the end of words she's sayin' I think you know who to vote for. Oh, and for those Joe Six-packs out there playing a drinking game at home -- Maverick."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Well, this concludes tonight's debate. The book drops November 4, and Live From New York...It's Saturday Night!

-- jpt

October 5, 2008 | Permalink | Share | User Comments (135)

User Comments

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It is just plain scary that people saw Palin's android-like performance thursday night at the debate and thought that she won it! She might have won a comedian contest, or some such novelty competition, but this was a debate for the vice presidency of our country! She displayed absolutely no sense of empathy for the pain of others, only kept her act rolling irrevocably along, filling in the blanks with canned phrases and cute expressions. She makes my skin crawl.

Tina Fey got it exactly right.

Posted by: Donna Hughes | Oct 5, 2008 4:06:03 PM

Bud | Oct 5, 2008 3:05:31 PM

"Would love to see a sketch with Obama invoking "My Brother's Keeper" before an adoring crowd, juxtaposed with the half-brother languishing in a hut in Kenya"

Dear Bud,

I saw an interview with George Obama on the news one night. He appeared to be an interesting and compelling young man. He seemed to be very happy being a Kenyon, and who are you to say how family deals with family? A dollar a day may seem like nothing to you, but this young man is a thoughtful and intelligent person. He has asked his brother for nothing! What kind of person assumes he needs to?

Posted by: Peacemonky | Oct 5, 2008 4:03:38 PM

Palin on Obama: he's palling
around with terrorists.

She confirmed once again
what many already know.
She's trash.

Posted by: anon | Oct 5, 2008 3:55:18 PM

"Democrats started the war because they didn't do a good job containing Saddam Hussein and catching the Taliban.

Democrats started the financial crisis and they refused to correct it when they took control of Congress.

Democrats are causing this recession because they pushed for the bailout/giveaway to Wall Street Soros.
"

Completely wacko...
It's Bush senior that didn't went after Sadam Hussein. It was Bush jnr that didn't went after the Taliban.

It was Bush jnr. that deregulated Wallstreet and it was Bush jnr. bailing out Wallstreet.

You're now hallucinating.

Posted by: CLabs | Oct 5, 2008 3:42:24 PM

Interesting that most of you are ignoring the fact that SNL also spoofed the Democrats and their denial of responsibility for the mortgage financial crisis. That was the real substance issue of the show which the mainstream media and Obama supporters are ignoring today, hoping that the issue will go away.

So, let's not admit to ourselves that the financial crisis and mortgage meltdown has Democratic Party fingerprints and DNA all over it. Let's act like we're on a different planet, because anyone on this planet paying attention can't miss the connections between Fannie Mae / Freddie Mac / ACORN / Democrats / Obama.

Oh, and let's make sure that we elect the fox with feathers in his mouth king of the coop.

Posted by: Andrew O. | Oct 5, 2008 3:36:18 PM

Hi Budd,
Your problem with McCain is not mine.

I don't force anyone or you to agree with me.

To me this election is odd. We have one candidate Obama, we still don't really know and one candidate Mccain we seem to know too well. At least McCain appears to have the chance to learn from his mistake, BUT Obama has ZERO meaningful record to judge.


I'm Libertarian for McCain/Palin/08.

Please GOD send McCain to the White House. Amen

Posted by: Beatrice | Oct 5, 2008 3:32:41 PM

Democrats started the war because they didn't do a good job containing Saddam Hussein and catching the Taliban.

Democrats started the financial crisis and they refused to correct it when they took control of Congress.

Democrats are causing this recession because they pushed for the bailout/giveaway to Wall Street Soros.

Posted by: RepublicansWillWin | Oct 5, 2008 3:26:05 PM


Ouch!

Hypocrisy plus comedy = Hilarious!!

Posted by: T Cents | Oct 5, 2008 3:16:10 PM

OBAMA-BIDEN LANDSLIDE VICTORY!!!!!!!

Posted by: JC | Oct 5, 2008 3:15:39 PM

RL,

please tell me more. What was his "stance" before this event and how did he display the change in his stance.

I assume they lost the bid to Halliburton!

Posted by: Bud | Oct 5, 2008 3:10:01 PM

I'M not a Democrat, and I have plenty of respect for all of my fellow Americans, thank you very much.

I just DON'T AGREE WITH YOU and I try to explain why.

Posted by: Bud | Oct 5, 2008 3:08:23 PM

So totally hilarious. Thank you Tina Fey, brilliantly done.
Serves McCain right, Palin is the dumbing down of America. Ya betcha, wink wink. Nauseating what we have become, and even more nauseating that some voters actually love this type of "politician" ....sure I want someone who thinks hockey games are experience for running a country. NOT!

Posted by: Barb, Ohio | Oct 5, 2008 3:05:58 PM

Nep"o*tist\, n. One who practices nepotism.

nep·o·tism (něp'ə-tĭz'əm)
n. Favoritism shown or patronage granted to relatives, as in business.

Um, I guess.

I don't care that much for McCain's record. I used to like him OK, but now I have no idea who he is. He just seems hungry for this accomplishment.

Barack, I love.

Posted by: Bud | Oct 5, 2008 3:05:31 PM

SNL was funny, as usual. But it will be even funnier when they have the cajones to take on Obama. Would love to see a sketch with Obama invoking "My Brother's Keeper" before an adoring crowd, juxtaposed with the half-brother languishing in a hut in Kenya. Now, that would be funny.

Posted by: Darlene | Oct 5, 2008 3:04:26 PM

Actually, Bud, it's not BS. He changed his stance after they(the Syrian and the Iraqi) lost their bid for one of the Iraq powerplants to be built.

Posted by: RL in Illinois | Oct 5, 2008 2:57:32 PM

Tina Fey is slacking; she only said "also" 3 times during the sketch.

The real Sarah Palin said "also" 48 times during the debate.

Posted by: Rudy | Oct 5, 2008 2:57:00 PM

Budd,

You are becoming too irrational.

Thanks for having no respect to others who are no Dem.

Posted by: Beatrice | Oct 5, 2008 2:54:51 PM

Hi Budd,

No you are wrong. McCain spelled beginning with M. and Bush begins with B. They both are not same.

Budd. You are being unfair and irrational toward McCain who has a good record.

Respect

Posted by: Beatrice | Oct 5, 2008 2:51:58 PM

Der Gletscher,

please don't think that my comrade Beatrice is a typical American. Many of us understand what you are saying, and care what impact we have on the world community.

The Republican's best chance at this point is voting machine fraud, and I hope someone is actually watching out for that. They have infinite money, God help us.

Posted by: Bud | Oct 5, 2008 2:50:12 PM

What amuses me most about the "mavericky" Sarah Palin's mindless repetition of the word "maverick" is that she apparently doesn't even know what the word "maverick" means. At least twice in the last debate she referred to herself and McCain as a "team of mavericks".

According to the dictionary, the definition of a "maverick" is:
a lone dissenter, as an intellectual, an artist, or a politician, who takes an independent stand apart from his or her associates.

Hence there's no such thing as a "team of mavericks". The phrase is an oxymoron. Subtract oxy from that and you get Sarah Palin.

Posted by: Don Malvo | Oct 5, 2008 2:47:29 PM

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