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Live from New York...It's John McCain!

November 02, 2008 9:38 AM

Fun stuff from the Arizona Republican last night.

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN – "Good evening, my fellow Americans, I'm John McCain."

TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN – "And, you know, I'm just Sarah Palin."

MCCAIN – "The final days of any election are the most essential. This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC."

FEY AS PALIN – "These campaigns sure are expensive." (She strokes the rich fabric of her jacket's lapel)

MCCAIN – "They sure are. So tonight, we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign."

FEY AS PALIN – "And, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, we're gonna try and sell you some stuff."

MCCAIN – "This has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our line of collectible products. Such as ten commemorative plates that celebrates the ten Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. They're blank, he wouldn't agree to those debates. Too bad. They're still nice plates."

FEY AS PALIN – "And who wouldn't want the complete set of limited edition 'Joe' action figures? There's 'Joe the Plumber,' 'Joe Six-Pack,' and my personal favorite, 'Joe Biden.' If you pull this cord, he talks for forty-five minutes." (SHE pulls cord)

JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN (O.C.) -- "I take the Amtrak to work every day. Then -- after work -- I take it home. Let me tell you something about Joe Biden…"

MCCAIN – "It's great if you want to clear out a party."

FEY AS PALIN – "Or keep deer out of your yard."

MCCAIN – "But we're not just here to sell products. We're here with a message. We are at a crossroads in American history. The leadership of the next four years will have many challenges and I believe my experience and my leadership will make a difference."

FEY AS PALIN – "Also too – sorry -- I need to remind you that there are just two minutes left in our 'Washington outsider jewelry extravaganza.'"

MCCAIN – "Are you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle? If so, you can't go wrong with McCain Fine Gold."

(CINDY MCCAIN displays the "McCain Fine Gold" like a game show model)

MCCAIN (CONT'D) – "It commemorates the McCain Feingold Act -- and also looks great with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy."

FEY AS PALIN – "And what busy hockey mom wouldn't want to freshen up her home with Sarah Palin's 'Ayers Fresheners.' You plug these into the wall when something doesn't quite smell quite right. Also too, it's good because it reminds people about William Ayers."

MCCAIN – "Having trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore, with John McCain's complete set of pork knives. 'They Cut The Pork Out!'"

FEY AS PALIN – "So instead of going to one of those elite department stores with their liberal agendas and over-priced items and their gotcha return policies that violate your First Amendment rights, why not do your holiday shopping with us? (SHE turns to a different camera) Okay, listen up everybody, I am goin'' rogue right now so keep your voices down. Available now, we got a buncha these 'Palin in 2012' T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear 'em okay? Because I'm not goin' anywhere. And I'm certainly not goin' back to Alaska. If I'm not goin' to the White House, I'm either runnin' in four years or I'm gonna be a white Oprah so, you know, I'm good either way."

MCCAIN – "What's going on over there, Sarah?"

FEY AS PALIN – "Oh...just talkin' about taxes." (SHE winks)

MCCAIN – "Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course, but I'm a true maverick -- a Republican without money. And I'm not like my opponent; my only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from 'The Hills.' So, I'm here on QVC, and like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality, value and convenience."

FEY AS PALIN – "And great deals on juicers."

MCCAIN – "So when you go to the polls on Tuesday remember, 'Country First,' as a reminder all undergarments are non-refundable and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!!"

He was also on Weekend Update.

SETH MEYERS – "With the election only three days away, most polls show Barack Obama leading John McCain by a slight margin. Here to comment on his campaign strategy, Senator John McCain."

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN – "Thank you Seth. You know, a lot can happen in three days. And while I am confident that we will emerge victorious, I'm also considering a few radical last-minute strategies."

MEYERS – "New strategies, like what?"

SEN. MCCAIN – "Well you know how people call me "the maverick"

MEYERS – "Yeah."

SEN. MCCAIN – "Well, I thought I'd try a strategy called the 'Reverse Maverick.' That's where I do whatever anybody tells me. I don't ask questions – I just go with the flow. If that doesn't work, I go to the 'Double Maverick.' That's where I go totally berserker and just freak everybody out. Even the regular mavericks."

MEYERS – "That doesn't sound like the best strategy."

SEN. MCCAIN – "It isn't. And here's another bad one. It's called 'The Sad Grandpa.' That's where I get on TV and go, 'C'mon, Obama's gonna have plenty of chances to be President! It's my turn! Vote for me!'"

MEYERS – "Yeah, I don't know if I'd do that."

SEN. MCCAIN – "Ok, then here's a good one. It's called 'The Charleston.' That's where I only campaign in Charleston, South Carolina. Really lock it down. Meet every single resident three or four times. Or how about 'The Forrest Gump.' That's where I just start jogging across America and eventually everything works out."

MEYERS – That might work.

SEN. MCCAIN – "Or maybe 'The Rocky IV.' I live alone in the wilderness and pull a sled through the snow until I'm in peak physical condition."

MEYERS – "How would that help you win an election?"

SEN. MCCAIN – "It won't. But if I ever have to fight Vladimir Putin, I'll be ready."

MEYERS – "Alright, well if you had to choose one strategy in the remaining days, what would it be?"

SEN. MCCAIN – "Seth, my basic strategy is the one I've stuck with since I started this campaign: connect with the voters, talk with them honestly about the issues, and stand by my record of service to this great country."

MEYERS – "And if that doesn't work?"

SEN. MCCAIN – "Probably the 'Double Maverick.'"

MEYERS – "Senator John McCain everyone!"

Scripts courtesy of our good friend Mike Allen.

-- jpt

November 2, 2008 | Permalink | Share | User Comments (90)

User Comments

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I laughed a lot during this SNL.
-I thought the the comments we make are about the SNL BUT I see that a lot of people have gotten off subject and started to purge propaganda that has be drilled into heads.
I am a christian but I still don't feel confident in McCain or Obama. The lesser of two evils is who I will pick.
-I feel that vets are entitled to better care that the VA is incompetent to do and I feel that All Americans should be entitled to healthcare insurance. what does religion have to do with that? -I am a Contract employee of the Naval Medical Center in VA and I work closely with returning warriors that are not able to leave the battle in the battlefield..When will we know that the war was won... somethings has go to give. If military spending is frozen or cut I am looking at unemployment and home foreclosure. I pray daily but the lord gave us free will so lets acknowledge that our issues are not to big for us to handle,

Posted by: Carolina | Nov 4, 2008 1:17:09 PM

I believe that there is great wisdom and common sense to be found in the following words (which I already know were not said by A. Lincoln, but are wise nonetheless):

You cannot bring prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
You cannot help the poor man by destroying the rich.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income.
You cannot further brotherhood of men by inciting class hatred.
You cannot establish security on borrowed money.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.

Posted by: DSM_CAL | Nov 3, 2008 7:40:17 AM

Let's see what Obama does not know about ...

He did not know that his Auntie, Zeituni Onyango, was in the United States illegally or even what her immigration status is. A smart lawyer like him?

He did not know that his pastor and personal & family mentor, Rev. Jerimiah Wright, hated white people and the United States of America and spewed hate speech about both from the pulpit in the church he attended for 20 years. A smart church-going man like him?

He did not know that the person that hosted a political party for him, William Ayers, was a unrepentant terrorist, and 60's radical that is now working the educational system from the inside, brainwashing our children in his socialistic, middle-class hating ways. A well-read man like him?

He does not know that "spreading the wealth" means socialism, and socialism has not worked anywhere it has been tried ... at any time. Really? ... a smart man like him?

He does not know that allowing the existing tax cuts to expire in 2010 means tax increases. Oh, he know this all right ... he's just playing word games.

He does not know that having the government take over our entire country's health care system will be a disaster, and that the quality and availablilty of health care will get much, much worse. A smart, well-read "citizen of the world" like him?

He does not know that raising taxes in a reccession is the worst possible thing you can do for an economy. The economic master-mind he is?

He does not know that worst thing you can do is heavily tax the people that hire other people for jobs in their businesses, both large & small. Somebody has to hire people and pay them wages. We can not all get checks from the government for not working. Somebody's got to actually go to work Monday through Friday, and actually contribute those hard-earned tax dollars he just wants to spread around. A smart man like him does not know this?

He does not know just how many "Joe the Plumbers" there are out here in America that are going to vote for John McCain on Tuesday (but he's going to find out).

If he is so smart, how come he doesn't know these things?

Posted by: DSM_CAL | Nov 3, 2008 7:39:17 AM

why is this world so filled with hate? everthing i read about Mccain supporters left a very bad taste in my mouth. cant you understand that with mccain in office there will be another 4 years of the same? don't we deserve better, don't our children deserve better? yes i am a Obama supporter and i have never been prouder. we want to act like this race is not about race but, we all no better. if Obama was a white man mccain would have had to droped out of the race a long time ago. and thats the honest truth.

Posted by: S.A.R | Nov 3, 2008 1:40:35 AM

How can you vote for someone who thinks they are God or maybe better?
Obama has button that is a large penny with Obama on it instead of Lincoln and the words 'In Obama We Trust'. He replaces himself for GOD. Christian people would not do that.

Posted by: stp | Nov 2, 2008 7:21:56 PM

Thanks editoiLori, I appreciate you.
For all you Obamanites here:
Remember that an unknown con artist is running for the presidency, one who hides and denies the truth at every turn. Your Mesiah, you say, well He is a radical and the facts will not under any circumstance change that fact. As an old saying goes: He speaks with a fork tongue. You may want to be fooled, but most of don't.
As for the war in Iraq, it is better to have victory than lose, as lose will be seen as weakness aroung the world. We can not afford that.
Too much immaturity, too much blindness.
I would rather die for my country than for it to be given over to those who seek to harm us. Did you forget that WE were attacked????? How short the memory of those who are losers.
GO MAC.

Posted by: Faithful | Nov 2, 2008 4:23:25 PM

Not bad. Not bad. And talking about comedy, have you heard that the Canadian comedy duo who pranked Sarah will be interviewed on the CBS morning show. Should be good. I'd like to hear how they pulled it off.

Posted by: ziadora | Nov 2, 2008 4:05:31 PM

Dear Faithfull, I stand with you in faith, prayer and politics.

Posted by: EditoriLori | Nov 2, 2008 3:47:18 PM

To Sad Sharon Porter, you are generalizing about politics and religion, and apparently biblically baffled also. Your Sunday School Jesus has not been stolen as you claim. And, your unreasonably mean comment about McCain being unintelligent reveals your own elitism and lack of understanding. Tough love to you in Jesus, Cheer up :-)

Posted by: EditoriLori | Nov 2, 2008 3:30:58 PM

I would really like to have seen SNL expose the swiss bank accounts of Obama and his estate holdings in France.
The Ojet will be off in a whiff.

Everyone is going to have to have a safe place to go, when they roll over the border into Mexico from South America.
That would be a funny funny exposure of the real ObamaNation we will live in.

Posted by: woman citizen | Nov 2, 2008 3:00:13 PM

clab,
you can bash the Bible believers all you want, yet at least we know where we stand and don't fall for those who seek to deceive us. And as for McCain, he didn't cave, he chose to stand firm in his faith and belife's. Which ofcourse the double talking Obama can't.
Again, you have been deceived and will blame others when it doesn't go your way.
I am proud to be a Jesus believer and follower. As it keeps me standing firm and my integrity in tact.
Good luck in your decision and I do pray that you do not get what you want.
Have a great day and at least pray before you submit your vote. God Bless you

Posted by: Faithful | Nov 2, 2008 2:52:12 PM

Faithfull,

Yes, I think every person is responsible for his or her own future.

But what I really dislike are these right-winged bible belt NeoCon "God is on our side" BS. It's a pity that McCain cave in to these nutcases.

Yes, I'm going to vote for Obama. He is liberal, but anything except another 4 more years of the same..

Posted by: clabs | Nov 2, 2008 2:28:46 PM

clabs, you are right Government can't fix all the problems, and it isn't suppose to. As for McCain, he isn't soft on his values or his positions. Thsy have strengthened during this campaign and have been more defined. You mention his faith, well if you are a faith person, then be assured that after meeting with Billy Graham that it was found that he sound in his faith. Unlike Obama who no response on his faith was given. I don't know if you are ignoring the facts or hoping they will change. Obama is not who respresents and you only need to listen to his constant changing of his mind to realize how untruthful he is. McCain may not be all things to all people, but he is the stronger of the two and will not put his own interest before his country. Never has, Never will. He isn't soft, He has the strength of character and the strength of experience and record, which Obama does not. Are you aware that questions remain about Obama's birth certificate?? Too much unanswered, too much hidden, too many lies. Though you may feel McCain is soft, he is not a deceiver. Are you saying you would rather believe a deception/lie rather than trust and have faith in a man who has proven himself? Are you ready to be deceived and not regret it? Are you ready to give up your constitutional right to freedom of speech? Are you inclined to support those who chose not to work because they can get free money? Answer those questions before Tuesday, with truth in mind and not the propaganda of Obama. Remember, even Biden said Obama is a fraud before he became the running mate. Hillary said the same. Ignore the truth and you will be deceived.

Posted by: Faithful | Nov 2, 2008 2:02:53 PM

disrespect for sarah P. who was not there.
disrespect for MCCains wife trading gold & lingerie remarks.
This means disrespect for women

Posted by: ab | Nov 2, 2008 1:58:48 PM

Yeah, that's all it was...a INFOMERCIAL! Dont waste your time listening to McCain's CRAP!!

Obama/Biden 2008!!! For a BETTER America!

Posted by: Richard | Nov 2, 2008 1:57:57 PM

Faithful,
I'm a hardworking person, I don't believe government can't fix all problems. But my problems with voting for McCain is expressed precisely in the the Economist's endorsement for Obama.

"If only the real John McCain had been running

That, however, was Senator McCain; the Candidate McCain of the past six months has too often seemed the victim of political sorcery, his good features magically inverted, his bad ones exaggerated. The fiscal conservative who once tackled Mr Bush over his unaffordable tax cuts now proposes not just to keep the cuts, but to deepen them. The man who denounced the religious right as “agents of intolerance” now embraces theocratic culture warriors. The campaigner against ethanol subsidies (who had a better record on global warming than most Democrats) came out in favour of a petrol-tax holiday. It has not all disappeared: his support for free trade has never wavered. Yet rather than heading towards the centre after he won the nomination, Mr McCain moved to the right."


Posted by: clabs | Nov 2, 2008 1:44:10 PM

Ray, You are so right in what you say! It is one of the most intelligent comments I’ve seen on a political blog this week. Might I add …it is to our gain to vote for McCain.

Mature
Courageous
Conservative
American Veteran
Integrity
National Security

McCain is mature enough to be a father figure to someone Obama’s age, by nearly a quarter century. When McCain was entering his forties, Obama was only a teenager of 16. When the inexperienced are elevated too high and too fast, pride can overcome good judgment. Silver haired wisdom is more equipped to lead and protect the security of our national interest.
In contrast:

Other Priorities
Bogus
Another Agenda
Mixed Message
A Risk

It’s safer to stay in the right lane with McCain

Posted by: EditoriLori | Nov 2, 2008 1:39:43 PM

Obama is not one forth the man McCain is...never will be..President or not. He can keep his fake seal, fake presidential set, trying to buy the election or have Acorn steal it. What a desperate man. All just to get a foot in the White House..once he's there (God forbid and help us all if he's elected)He will be his true self. Radical, anti American, extreme left, continue his associations and milk everyone for money. Very dangerous in sheeps clothing. No one has anyone to blame except for themselves. Think people--vote for a true American and hero. John Sydney McCain...not Barack Hussein Obama!

Posted by: Catherine | Nov 2, 2008 1:35:09 PM

CLabs, you are so wrong about the chief advisory for McCain. It sounds as though you watch those who suppress the truth and call the lies the truth. As I said rewriting the truth to fit themselves. Biggest snow job in our history.

Posted by: Faithful | Nov 2, 2008 1:33:18 PM

Great McCain. You are entertaining and so wise. You aren't Bush and aren't hard right, you are middle of the line, able to work with the congress. This is just what America needs. Obama is hard left and his voting record shows it. He is less than a world leader with a major lack in experience. We are in for a depression is Obama gets in so everyone support McCain on November 4th.
McCain/Palin 2008!!!

Posted by: James | Nov 2, 2008 1:31:07 PM

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