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Live from New York...It's John McCain!

November 02, 2008 9:38 AM

Fun stuff from the Arizona Republican last night.

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN – "Good evening, my fellow Americans, I'm John McCain."

TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN – "And, you know, I'm just Sarah Palin."

MCCAIN – "The final days of any election are the most essential. This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC."

FEY AS PALIN – "These campaigns sure are expensive." (She strokes the rich fabric of her jacket's lapel)

MCCAIN – "They sure are. So tonight, we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign."

FEY AS PALIN – "And, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, we're gonna try and sell you some stuff."

MCCAIN – "This has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our line of collectible products. Such as ten commemorative plates that celebrates the ten Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. They're blank, he wouldn't agree to those debates. Too bad. They're still nice plates."

FEY AS PALIN – "And who wouldn't want the complete set of limited edition 'Joe' action figures? There's 'Joe the Plumber,' 'Joe Six-Pack,' and my personal favorite, 'Joe Biden.' If you pull this cord, he talks for forty-five minutes." (SHE pulls cord)

JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN (O.C.) -- "I take the Amtrak to work every day. Then -- after work -- I take it home. Let me tell you something about Joe Biden…"

MCCAIN – "It's great if you want to clear out a party."

FEY AS PALIN – "Or keep deer out of your yard."

MCCAIN – "But we're not just here to sell products. We're here with a message. We are at a crossroads in American history. The leadership of the next four years will have many challenges and I believe my experience and my leadership will make a difference."

FEY AS PALIN – "Also too – sorry -- I need to remind you that there are just two minutes left in our 'Washington outsider jewelry extravaganza.'"

MCCAIN – "Are you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle? If so, you can't go wrong with McCain Fine Gold."

(CINDY MCCAIN displays the "McCain Fine Gold" like a game show model)

MCCAIN (CONT'D) – "It commemorates the McCain Feingold Act -- and also looks great with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy."

FEY AS PALIN – "And what busy hockey mom wouldn't want to freshen up her home with Sarah Palin's 'Ayers Fresheners.' You plug these into the wall when something doesn't quite smell quite right. Also too, it's good because it reminds people about William Ayers."

MCCAIN – "Having trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore, with John McCain's complete set of pork knives. 'They Cut The Pork Out!'"

FEY AS PALIN – "So instead of going to one of those elite department stores with their liberal agendas and over-priced items and their gotcha return policies that violate your First Amendment rights, why not do your holiday shopping with us? (SHE turns to a different camera) Okay, listen up everybody, I am goin'' rogue right now so keep your voices down. Available now, we got a buncha these 'Palin in 2012' T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear 'em okay? Because I'm not goin' anywhere. And I'm certainly not goin' back to Alaska. If I'm not goin' to the White House, I'm either runnin' in four years or I'm gonna be a white Oprah so, you know, I'm good either way."

MCCAIN – "What's going on over there, Sarah?"

FEY AS PALIN – "Oh...just talkin' about taxes." (SHE winks)

MCCAIN – "Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course, but I'm a true maverick -- a Republican without money. And I'm not like my opponent; my only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from 'The Hills.' So, I'm here on QVC, and like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality, value and convenience."

FEY AS PALIN – "And great deals on juicers."

MCCAIN – "So when you go to the polls on Tuesday remember, 'Country First,' as a reminder all undergarments are non-refundable and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!!"

He was also on Weekend Update.

SETH MEYERS – "With the election only three days away, most polls show Barack Obama leading John McCain by a slight margin. Here to comment on his campaign strategy, Senator John McCain."

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN – "Thank you Seth. You know, a lot can happen in three days. And while I am confident that we will emerge victorious, I'm also considering a few radical last-minute strategies."

MEYERS – "New strategies, like what?"

SEN. MCCAIN – "Well you know how people call me "the maverick"

MEYERS – "Yeah."

SEN. MCCAIN – "Well, I thought I'd try a strategy called the 'Reverse Maverick.' That's where I do whatever anybody tells me. I don't ask questions – I just go with the flow. If that doesn't work, I go to the 'Double Maverick.' That's where I go totally berserker and just freak everybody out. Even the regular mavericks."

MEYERS – "That doesn't sound like the best strategy."

SEN. MCCAIN – "It isn't. And here's another bad one. It's called 'The Sad Grandpa.' That's where I get on TV and go, 'C'mon, Obama's gonna have plenty of chances to be President! It's my turn! Vote for me!'"

MEYERS – "Yeah, I don't know if I'd do that."

SEN. MCCAIN – "Ok, then here's a good one. It's called 'The Charleston.' That's where I only campaign in Charleston, South Carolina. Really lock it down. Meet every single resident three or four times. Or how about 'The Forrest Gump.' That's where I just start jogging across America and eventually everything works out."

MEYERS – That might work.

SEN. MCCAIN – "Or maybe 'The Rocky IV.' I live alone in the wilderness and pull a sled through the snow until I'm in peak physical condition."

MEYERS – "How would that help you win an election?"

SEN. MCCAIN – "It won't. But if I ever have to fight Vladimir Putin, I'll be ready."

MEYERS – "Alright, well if you had to choose one strategy in the remaining days, what would it be?"

SEN. MCCAIN – "Seth, my basic strategy is the one I've stuck with since I started this campaign: connect with the voters, talk with them honestly about the issues, and stand by my record of service to this great country."

MEYERS – "And if that doesn't work?"

SEN. MCCAIN – "Probably the 'Double Maverick.'"

MEYERS – "Senator John McCain everyone!"

Scripts courtesy of our good friend Mike Allen.

-- jpt

November 2, 2008 | Permalink | Share | User Comments (90)

User Comments

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Obama is a wolf in sheeps clothing just waiting to devour each of us for his own personal gain. He has done nothing for this country in all of his life and he now intends to rule over us??????? Please all you Obama supporters out there name one thing SPECIFICALLY that he has done other than give speeches.
Oh, I am not a sefish person, and I give more than my fair share. I in fact have given more to those in need than Obama or Biden and I make MAYBE 1/3 of what they make. So please don't make a virtue out of spreading the wealth. We have what we need in this country to go further than any other country. We have the resources, yet if we don't seek them out we have no one to blame but ourselves. Oh, by the way George Bush didn't ask or make anyone take out loans, gather credit cards and get any of us into debt. WE THE PEOPLE DID THAT ON OUR OWN. If you must blame someone then blame the DEMS as they pushed this and deceived the AMERICAN PEOPLE. Do any of you realize that when Pelosi took the Speaker seat she and her DEM friends voted themselves a pay raise and payed for it by raising our taxes and causeing taxes to be raised on those who receive SS and MEDICARE, by 150.00 more a month. NOW THAT IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO. GET REAL AMERICA YOU ARE ACCEPTING THE BIGGEST SNOW JOB IN HISTORY if you belive Obama and Biden really care about you or this country.

Posted by: Faithful | Nov 2, 2008 1:28:36 PM

"I find it amazing that the Obama supporters ignore all the truth and write it as they want it to be. "

No. It's McCain who ignore the truth. The truth is the economic mess we are in.
McCain failed the test during the crisis. Obama reacted calm and consulted with his advisers. McCain yelled something new each day.

We need a conservative fiscal program, we can't afford irresponsible tax cuts, even his chief economic adviser is against any tax cuts.

Posted by: CLabs | Nov 2, 2008 1:26:39 PM

Awesome John McCain. He is the right president elect for America. He is responsible and going to move the country in the right direction.
You are the man and Sarah is the woman. She is no idiot at all. She is wise beyond her years. If she is an idiot so is Obama.

AC

Posted by: AC | Nov 2, 2008 1:25:12 PM

I find it amazing that the Obama supporters ignore all the truth and write it as they want it to be. Yes, Obama served 7 years in the State Legislature. Though he himself did nothing. Voted present. If you don't look at the facts and the records now you will be singing the blues before the end of next year. There are too many questions aroung Obama that he refuses to answer and this is the biggest factor in showing just how deceiving he is. How can Americans close their eyes to these truths. Living in the land of denial will not make your lives better.

Posted by: Faithful | Nov 2, 2008 1:13:30 PM

Oh, John Grisham served in the MS congress (senator or representative, not sure, who cares) - he wrote a few books, too - but a bit more entertaining than Obama's. Maybe he should run for prez. I think his political leanings are pretty liberal, so the press should love him. But he's not a black man who disowns other blacks at the drop of a hat - so guess he wouldn't have the same appeal.

Posted by: Jack Carroll | Nov 2, 2008 12:55:50 PM

It was fun, and I allways respect the McCain of the 2000 campaign.

But politics is a serious matter. To quote some famous word:
"With great power comes great responsibility"

His VP pick and his tax cuts are the most irresponsible act in American history. Nothing against Palin, but the though of having her as President is just to scary.

Posted by: CLabs | Nov 2, 2008 12:50:19 PM

This was fun, it was my first time blogging or chatting or whatever. This is what makes America great, we can sit here and express our opinions. It is cliche, but cliche's are cliche's because they are true. You cannot do this in a large part of our planet. It was fun and interesting bludgeoning you over the head with my opinion and being bludgeoned by yours, but it is now time for football! Ask not, what your Country can do for you.....cliche, but cliche's are cliche's becauahhhh, laters.

Posted by: Calipari4prez | Nov 2, 2008 12:49:18 PM

Yawn... just awoke from my nap. Uhm... looks like I woke up in Obama's Hooville with the ONE AMERICA comment. Here's to hoping McGrinch doesn't steal the star off your li'l belly there on Tuesday. Back to enjoying my Sunday. I could care less who wins - it's all the same either way - just disturbed by Li'l Bo Bama and the silly little sheep. But again, after 8 years of Bush - can't get any worse - then there's Jimmy Kotta. But oh well - back to work. I gotta get back to lazing around so the folks what work can spread that wealth around to me and my merry men.

Posted by: Jack Carroll | Nov 2, 2008 12:46:47 PM

Sarah Palin is a liar.

The Troopergate Report found she abused the power of her public office repeatedly in attempts to get her ex-brother-in-law fired.

Palin consistently lied and said the report cleared her of any abuse of power. Direct lie.

Someone with this thin a grip on reality and such ease with obvious lying is not the change we need.

Posted by: pefros | Nov 2, 2008 12:27:36 PM

America we are selfless
Before you vote you need to realize that what we are going through is bigger than any president or party, or America itself. It is called globalization. The world economy is becoming one.
As the economy grows in undeveloped countries (China, India, Brazil and Africa, ¾ of the worlds population) it will shrink in developed countries (US, the EU, Russia.) Over a period of time our wages and cost of living will go down and theirs will go up as it is doing now. Call it leveling the playing field. It has been happening over the last fifteen years and we can not stop it. When it is leveled there will be a demand for us to start to manufacture products again.
We have two choices. We can opt out and let the world go on with out us. That would be a big mistake. Or we can fight it and lose our edge. But it will happen with or without us.
Under Bush the market was driven by credit that keep up our lifestyle. Basically we spent more then we made to keep up our life style. The derivates were the straw that broke the back. This we will recover from in due time.
The blue collar manufacturing class is gone it will not come back until wages level out world wide. As wages decrease the cost of living will too. We can always manufacture a product but we have to have a market that has the money to buy it. As in the past America produces 45% more then it can consume so we need the worlds market.
McCain sees this and Obama doesn’t
McCain wants a freeze on taxes and government services to rein in spending.
Obama wants to isolate us through reducing free trade, tax corporations which slows growth, create social programs, grow government, and let our Children, Grand children, and great grand children to deal with it.
We happen to be the richest market but not the only one. It will happen whether we like it or not. We need to take the hit now. The market will adjust, our life style will change and our children have a better life.

Posted by: ray | Nov 2, 2008 12:21:09 PM

Less Government means less involvement on their part in every phase of our lives. Obama wants exactly the opposite, he wants the Government to provide health care, and to "resdistribute the wealth", which is an exact Marxist quote from his manifesto. Other liberals suggest putting a cap on Capitalism, I don't believe the Government should be able to tell Fred Smith that in their opinion he has made enough money and we are going to arbitrarily "re-distribute" what we deem as excess. These corporations should be given incentives to do what Fred Smith does. He provides great health care and pays for employees college education. He doesn't have to do this, he shouldn't be forced to do this. He does it because he can and wants to, and others should be given reason to follow suit. You can accomplish, through capitalism, anything you can through socialism, and more.

Posted by: Calipari4prez | Nov 2, 2008 12:20:27 PM

In response to the liver statement- My brother lived in Paris, and died in Paris waiting for a liver. My 65 year-old mother received a liver within 6 months here in the States. Talk about what you have experienced with facts, not what you think you observed while visiting France, and don't accuse people of having a "wicked vision" of the world or whatever you said. Here's another reality based on facts; A review of Obama's short voting record in the Senate reveals the most liberal Senator in history, Biden is right behind him. They are both extreme liberals, Palin is an extreme conservative. The most moderate person on either ticket is John McCain. You cannot mix greed with socialism. The banks were pressured to give loans to people who did not qualify, then the interests rates were raised. This is why one should be required to qualify for loans, because people are greedy. With capitalism, greed polices itself which is why one should be required to "qualify". With socialism there is no way to police greed, which makes for an explosive mixture, and is the reason that it will not benefit America as we know it.

Posted by: Calipari4prez | Nov 2, 2008 12:04:48 PM

Sarah Palin is a model for our daughters. She has achieved what women proclaim to have been fighting for since the 60s. She is accomplished, a working mother, governor, and most of all, a woman who despite being beautiful, does not rely on sex appeal to make her case. She has graciously fended off her attackers, and empowers all girls to know that they can do anything.

Posted by: Norma | Nov 2, 2008 12:00:24 PM

Brooke2808 writes, "B.O. HAS NO EXPERIENCE. 4 years as a senator and 2 of those spent campaigning. FOR ALL OF YOU UNDECIDED: VOTE MCCAIN!!!!!"
================================
Typical mumbo jumbo by uniformed faux-conservatives. What's a faux-conservative? Folks who vote Republican who can't actually AFFORD to be one.

By the way, your information is incorrect. Like many uninformed faux-conservatives, you seem to forget Obama was a State Legistlator for the state of Illinois for 7+ years before becoming a U.S. Senator. You folks would be a car with one wheel if the Republicans told you it would get better gas mileage. (lol)

Posted by: Dems | Nov 2, 2008 11:59:08 AM

Calipari writes, "What's wrong with a flat tax? 10-15% of everyone's income. Why is no one screaming about this?"
====================================
I don't see any problem with it as long as all other tax "breaks" are equal. Simply put, those who earn more won't get ONE tax break more than those who earn less. (We'll see how long it takes before they start screaming about how they provide jobs and are STILL paying more taxes 15%)

Calipari writes, "Instead we are going to tax the people who spend the most money and hire the most people. That is not a good idea."
===============================
It sounds like you believe these people and corporations should be REWARDED for providing jobs when the fact is the EMPLOYEES they hire are the fuel to the machine they created. At the end of the day PROFITS are made, shareholders are paid and the EMPLOYEES are giving whopping 3% pay increases regardless of PROFITS earned. Yes, they should pay MORE in order to EARN those profits. A perfect example would be Exxon. Billions of dollars in profits and I'd bet the average employee got NOTHING in terms of a raise, etc. When they talk about TRICKLE down economics they mean it LITERALLY.

Calipari writes, "Here is a perfect example of how the slippery slope works. Obama taxes all the mean,evil rich people and corporations, they in turn spend less and less money, hire less and less people, and ultimately have tp raise the prices on their services."
===============================
People have been trying to SELL that nonsense for decades. Jobs are lost due to companies trying to become more efficicent, not tax dollars. So your example ISN'T perfect at all. As proof I offer the following. Take the Pharmaceutical industry. Right now they are laying off thousands of sales people despite profits and financial standing. Why is that? As you can see, it has NOTHING to do with the example you profided as a "perfect" example.

Calipari writes, "So, the government has to get even more involved and force them to adjust their prices or something equally as ridiculous."
================================
What is with you faux-conservatives. The government can't tell anyone what they can charge for anything UNLESS the entity received government dollars. If you want to government dollar, you accept what they pay. Ask a physician if you have any doubts.

Calipari writes, "Less government people, not more."
===========================
Typical conservative mumbo jumbo. It's all talk. Maybe you would like to take a stab at DEFINING less government. I'm always tickled by folks who toss that out without ever DEFINING it.

Posted by: Dems | Nov 2, 2008 11:54:15 AM

The tactic was obvious. It didn't have anything to do with having a sense of humor, etc. The SNL viewership is primarily liberal, and McCain had nothing to lose and something quite real to gain. It is clear that the only reason Obama would be on SNL is to block McCain, but one can construe his absence as either good sportsmanship or his realization that McCain's political ploy was just an act of desperation. Hopefully the majority of SNL viewers see it this way too. As for me, it seemed a little pathetic for McCain, in the face of early returns, to deem it necessary to put on a comic's mask in order to appeal to those who form their political/moral philosophy via SNL.

Posted by: Michael Herbst-Synowicz | Nov 2, 2008 11:41:37 AM

I sure wish we had someone like Davy Crockett to vote for - just read his story about his stand on gov't handouts and compare it to the 700b bailout

Horatio Bunce we could sure use more of you today...

Posted by: Bunce kid | Nov 2, 2008 11:40:57 AM

I just received a master's degree this year, am a health professional, and make a great income. However, I'm taxed more than I can believe right now and if B.O. gets in even more of my pay will be eaten up. Why? So he can give to those who choose not to work or choose not to train for a better career or those who continue to have kids in order to receive more welfare money. Guess what? I didn't spend 5 years of my life in school while raising a child on my own and pull more all nighters than I care to remember just so I can feed everyone else! I do believe that everyone should have the same opportunities as the next person and they are out there. The obstacles may be greater for some than others but when you want something you will do whatever it takes to get it. Its a cop out to hear "I'm a single mom" or "I don't have the money," blah, blah, blah. I'm almost 200,000 in debt from my education. I didn't have any handouts. Not one. That's what America is looking for: a handout. And all these great plans for "change?" Wait till we are in more debt than we already are. How does B.O. plan to do all that? Raise taxes! He is so indecisive it makes me sick. He changes his agenda depending on what group he is talking to. Make up your mind! He sure does know a lot about change..that's all he does within that small mind of his! If you care about this country DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE. B.O. IS JUST WHAT HIS NAME SUGGESTS: HE STINKS! And don't forget that this country's woes are not only Bush's fault. There are other branches of government that contribute to the laws and governing of our country. B.O. HAS NO EXPERIENCE. 4 years as a senator and 2 of those spent campaigning. FOR ALL OF YOU UNDECIDED: VOTE MCCAIN!!!!!

Posted by: brooke2808 | Nov 2, 2008 11:37:49 AM

Excuse the typo in my previous post. "The View" and "Countdown" have been critical of McCain and that is why Lorne Michael's SNL witlessly and bitterly attacked them last night.

Posted by: Jay Raskin | Nov 2, 2008 11:34:40 AM

This whole comedy series began because of the many easy opportunities presented by Sarah Palin for humor, and her resemblance to the very talented Tina Fey. Then the McCain camp, via Palin, asked to come on SNL. This culmunated last night with Senator McCain's appearance.

Consistently, throughout this comedy series, the humor has been directed towards Palin, until McCain brought himself in.

Although Obama may have enjoyed this comedy series, as many Americans did, he had no role to play in it. There was no reason for SNL to invite him on the show, and certainly no reason for Obama to invite himself.

Indeed, writing in Palin was hard enough, and I thought that was the worst segment of this highly impromptu, but excellent, series.

Posted by: Fillybuster | Nov 2, 2008 11:32:22 AM

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